I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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