1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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