Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Someone signed my nipple.
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