i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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