Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
