Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
