it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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