i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
