is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
