When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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