Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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