I looked at my own cervix.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We left the knife in your bed.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
