Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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