In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
