Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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