There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Randomize
