Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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