just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize