doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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