I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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