I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
