guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize