so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
