Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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