Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it's like iHOP with fire
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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