If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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