I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
