I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize