I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
