Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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