im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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