i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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