I just pynch a tree in the face
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
