I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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