Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
