just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
