So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
