my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
