I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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