Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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