I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
