Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
