my shit smells like andre
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
did i walk over a car last night?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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