he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
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