that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
