Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I party with great urgency now.
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