The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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