Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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