normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
