Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it's like iHOP with fire
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Houston, we have a blender
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
