i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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