tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
