When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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