im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
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