that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
