My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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