now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Michael Bay diarrhea
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
